Growing and healing: A story of reconciliation

by Gordon Krause, Bethel Mennonite Church, Mountain Lake, Minnesota
Our story of reconciliation is a story still in process. As is often the case when conflict occurs, our conflict was rooted in historical dynamics in the congregation and triggered by events, processes, and personality differences. It was difficult to identify what the real issues were, and the question was often asked, “What is the conflict?” We observed and experienced the symptoms of conflict, but we were not sure how to handle it.
Our symptoms included polarization within the congregation along theological, polity, and age differences. There was considerable misinformation and gossip within the church and in the community about what was happening at Bethel. There was mistrust and anxiety directed to the leadership, and those in leadership were anxious about what was happening in our congregation. Instead of voicing concerns directly to the individuals involved, people would confide in those with whom they would get a sympathetic ear.
After much discussion and discernment and leading of the Holy Spirit, the Spiritual Board and the Church Council decided to contact Lombard Mennonite Peace Center (LMPC). They have had over 25 years experience with mediating conflicts, focusing especially on congregational conflict. Following an initial teleconference call with LMPC, our Spiritual Board and Church Council invited Richard Blackburn, the director of LMPC, to come to our congregation in December, 2010, to explain the mediation process. When the congregation voted on whether to hire Blackburn and enter a process to address the conflict, the members were evenly divided. As moderator, I cast the deciding vote in favor of having LMPC come.
The mediation process began in January 2011 and had four phases. The first phase was gathering information in which the historical patterns, past divisive issues, personality differences, etc., were examined. The second phase consisted of two weekend seminars, one called “Healthy Congregations” that taught us about the Family Systems perspective of conflict in a congregational context and one called “Conflict in the Church: Entrusted with the Message of Reconciliation,” which taught a biblical perspective of conflict.
In the third phase, the healing phase, participants were encouraged to name their hurts and resentments from the past and present in a safe setting. We confessed our behaviors and attitudes which contributed to the conflict, we sought forgiveness from each other and extended forgiveness to one another. This phase, along with the fourth phase, the problem-solving phase, were probably the two most significant parts of the mediation process. In the problem-solving phase, we worked toward consensus on strategies and proposals for resolving issues and moving forward, taking ownership of the proposals and goals on which we agreed.
Several factors challenged our congregation. The decision-making process itself and how it was handled became an issue. The high cost of hiring LMPC challenged us and raised anxiety. However, our Spiritual Board chair at that time asked, “Can we afford NOT to do this?” Most of those who participated in the process easily recognized the value for the congregation and for themselves as well. We were able to pay most of our expenses through contributions and pledges. (LMPC is very flexible with Mennonite congregations in allowing time to pay expenses.) The mediation process itself also became an issue, with some people choosing not to participate in the mediation or not to attend worship services for a time.
However, we grew and learned much as we went through mediation. Mediation is not having an outside arbitrator come in and tell us what to do. It is working together to identify and resolve issues and feelings until reconciliation is achieved.
We learned that conflict in itself is not sinful or bad, but how we handle it determines if it is positive or negative. Conflict handled well can move us forward; conflict handled poorly can be destructive. Those who participated in the mediation process discovered skills to deal with conflict and gained added capacity for working at relationships. We had testimony of people using their skills not only in the congregation but in their homes and work places.
We were encouraged to stay connected with all parties and to seek and create opportunities to relate to each other. We were constantly reminded to look at ourselves: what were our behaviors and attitudes that contributed to the problem. We were reminded that we are a family, the family of God, and we needed to see each other in terms of “we, us, and ours” rather than “they, them, and theirs.”
We learned that it is not necessarily the events themselves that caused conflict, but the perceptions, values, and emotional reactions to the events that trigger conflict. We learned to affirm each other--even those with whom we disagreed--and through confession and forgiveness, to move on.
The challenge still remains as to how the strategies and proposals, and especially the learning, can be fleshed out in our congregation. While some tension and anxiety still remain, we have laid a good foundation, and with the Holy Spirit’s leading, we are committed to build on that foundation and move forward.
from the October 2013 Scattered Seeds
Our story of reconciliation is a story still in process. As is often the case when conflict occurs, our conflict was rooted in historical dynamics in the congregation and triggered by events, processes, and personality differences. It was difficult to identify what the real issues were, and the question was often asked, “What is the conflict?” We observed and experienced the symptoms of conflict, but we were not sure how to handle it.
Our symptoms included polarization within the congregation along theological, polity, and age differences. There was considerable misinformation and gossip within the church and in the community about what was happening at Bethel. There was mistrust and anxiety directed to the leadership, and those in leadership were anxious about what was happening in our congregation. Instead of voicing concerns directly to the individuals involved, people would confide in those with whom they would get a sympathetic ear.
After much discussion and discernment and leading of the Holy Spirit, the Spiritual Board and the Church Council decided to contact Lombard Mennonite Peace Center (LMPC). They have had over 25 years experience with mediating conflicts, focusing especially on congregational conflict. Following an initial teleconference call with LMPC, our Spiritual Board and Church Council invited Richard Blackburn, the director of LMPC, to come to our congregation in December, 2010, to explain the mediation process. When the congregation voted on whether to hire Blackburn and enter a process to address the conflict, the members were evenly divided. As moderator, I cast the deciding vote in favor of having LMPC come.
The mediation process began in January 2011 and had four phases. The first phase was gathering information in which the historical patterns, past divisive issues, personality differences, etc., were examined. The second phase consisted of two weekend seminars, one called “Healthy Congregations” that taught us about the Family Systems perspective of conflict in a congregational context and one called “Conflict in the Church: Entrusted with the Message of Reconciliation,” which taught a biblical perspective of conflict.
In the third phase, the healing phase, participants were encouraged to name their hurts and resentments from the past and present in a safe setting. We confessed our behaviors and attitudes which contributed to the conflict, we sought forgiveness from each other and extended forgiveness to one another. This phase, along with the fourth phase, the problem-solving phase, were probably the two most significant parts of the mediation process. In the problem-solving phase, we worked toward consensus on strategies and proposals for resolving issues and moving forward, taking ownership of the proposals and goals on which we agreed.
Several factors challenged our congregation. The decision-making process itself and how it was handled became an issue. The high cost of hiring LMPC challenged us and raised anxiety. However, our Spiritual Board chair at that time asked, “Can we afford NOT to do this?” Most of those who participated in the process easily recognized the value for the congregation and for themselves as well. We were able to pay most of our expenses through contributions and pledges. (LMPC is very flexible with Mennonite congregations in allowing time to pay expenses.) The mediation process itself also became an issue, with some people choosing not to participate in the mediation or not to attend worship services for a time.
However, we grew and learned much as we went through mediation. Mediation is not having an outside arbitrator come in and tell us what to do. It is working together to identify and resolve issues and feelings until reconciliation is achieved.
We learned that conflict in itself is not sinful or bad, but how we handle it determines if it is positive or negative. Conflict handled well can move us forward; conflict handled poorly can be destructive. Those who participated in the mediation process discovered skills to deal with conflict and gained added capacity for working at relationships. We had testimony of people using their skills not only in the congregation but in their homes and work places.
We were encouraged to stay connected with all parties and to seek and create opportunities to relate to each other. We were constantly reminded to look at ourselves: what were our behaviors and attitudes that contributed to the problem. We were reminded that we are a family, the family of God, and we needed to see each other in terms of “we, us, and ours” rather than “they, them, and theirs.”
We learned that it is not necessarily the events themselves that caused conflict, but the perceptions, values, and emotional reactions to the events that trigger conflict. We learned to affirm each other--even those with whom we disagreed--and through confession and forgiveness, to move on.
The challenge still remains as to how the strategies and proposals, and especially the learning, can be fleshed out in our congregation. While some tension and anxiety still remain, we have laid a good foundation, and with the Holy Spirit’s leading, we are committed to build on that foundation and move forward.
from the October 2013 Scattered Seeds