The mediator's perspective
"Compassion for everyone takes me by surprise"
by Lois Janzen Preheim
Entering a conflict situation is generally scary for me so I’m choosy about what conflicts I go to! But once I’ve met people and have heard the issues, I’m absolutely fascinated. The conflict usually exists for very good reasons. Sometimes, people start out with very different goals or assumptions. Positions in the family or community are shaping person’s interests. Feelings are involved. Often, earlier history is contributing to feelings and positions. In church conflicts, attachment to a certain outcome is hard to give up since it often feels like one’s very eternal life and Biblical understanding is at stake.
As with a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, I begin to sort out the conflict, laying out the pieces on the table. Then, I like the creativity of watching a more complete picture emerge that often has the solution right there as we move pieces around. My analytical and sorting-out self loves finding order and understanding, looking for the keys that open up space for a shift in perspective, a change in feeling, or a willingness to change a starting premise. It is very satisfying to me to watch how even small shifts in understanding or feeling can lead to reconciliation. Sometimes, it is enough for people to hear themselves say something out loud that they didn’t know they thought or felt.
The place of a mediator is a good place to be. Since I didn’t start the fire, I can attend to the people and the situation in a calm way. It is this spirit of calmness that is helpful. Richard Blackburn calls it “the non-anxious presence.” I like preparing myself to be peaceful so that I can fully attend. In my own house, I’m way too self-involved. When I am mediating, however, I love finding that calm, still place where compassion for everybody involved takes me by surprise. For me, this calm presence mirrors God’s own peace and seems God-given.
Entering a conflict situation is generally scary for me so I’m choosy about what conflicts I go to! But once I’ve met people and have heard the issues, I’m absolutely fascinated. The conflict usually exists for very good reasons. Sometimes, people start out with very different goals or assumptions. Positions in the family or community are shaping person’s interests. Feelings are involved. Often, earlier history is contributing to feelings and positions. In church conflicts, attachment to a certain outcome is hard to give up since it often feels like one’s very eternal life and Biblical understanding is at stake.
As with a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, I begin to sort out the conflict, laying out the pieces on the table. Then, I like the creativity of watching a more complete picture emerge that often has the solution right there as we move pieces around. My analytical and sorting-out self loves finding order and understanding, looking for the keys that open up space for a shift in perspective, a change in feeling, or a willingness to change a starting premise. It is very satisfying to me to watch how even small shifts in understanding or feeling can lead to reconciliation. Sometimes, it is enough for people to hear themselves say something out loud that they didn’t know they thought or felt.
The place of a mediator is a good place to be. Since I didn’t start the fire, I can attend to the people and the situation in a calm way. It is this spirit of calmness that is helpful. Richard Blackburn calls it “the non-anxious presence.” I like preparing myself to be peaceful so that I can fully attend. In my own house, I’m way too self-involved. When I am mediating, however, I love finding that calm, still place where compassion for everybody involved takes me by surprise. For me, this calm presence mirrors God’s own peace and seems God-given.
